October 4, 2017. After the cerclage placement was successful, I was discharged from the hospital to remain at home on bedrest until the cerclage was scheduled to be removed at 36-37 weeks. It was going to be quite the adjustment for me. I was used to working five days a week, cooking, cleaning, running errands, going to dinner and a movie and living a normal life like everyone else. But now I was restricted to my home (basically to our bed or our couch) for the next five to six months, I couldn’t stand any longer than 15 minutes at a time and could only leave the house for my doctor’s appointments… That meant no work, no cooking, no cleaning, not one single thing other than keeping our little babe safe and I was perfectly fine with that. I was willing to do anything for him…
On October 16, 2017, I felt Miles move for the first time. A feeling that I hadn’t felt in so long, a feeling that brought tears to my eyes, a feeling that only a mother would know and understand. I was so happy to be growing our little rainbow in my belly and I would read books, binge watch TV shows and shop online (for Miles, of course) to help pass the time. We chose faith over fear and got him all sorts of things… Clothes, blankets, books, bibs, a stroller, crib, dresser… Things that still fill our home, things that stab me right in my soul when I see them, and that pain… It’s something that I will never get used to… But those things are his, they are a reminder of how much we love our son, of how much we and everyone else celebrated him… And I would never change any of that.
While I was on bedrest, Marcus and my parents made sure that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Marcus worked hard and while he was away at the fire station for 24 hours, my mom would come and stay with me. They cooked, cleaned, and ran every errand. They took care of everything. And our friends tried to help us have as normal of a life as possible. For Marcus’ 30th birthday, I had friends help me throw him a surprise party… And by help, I mean they did it all… They cooked, set up, and even cleaned afterwards. Other days they would come visit, keep us company and his friends would help him put together the furniture for the nursery. Thanksgiving would be spent at our house with our families and Marcus would set out the Christmas decorations. That was our village, and they were amazing.
We went to the doctor every week and looked forward to seeing our little man during those ultrasounds and hearing his little heart beat. My cervix was fine every single time. It was always long and closed and the cerclage was always intact. There was never any bleeding, never any contractions, and Miles always checked out perfectly. Some of those doctor’s visits were filled with anxiety as we approached the same gestation as Brooklyn, but others were filled with happy tears when we would see him moving around on the screen and were reassured that everything was okay. At the end of each appointment, we would feel so relieved that everything was going so well and would change the countdown we had on our fridge at home…
Other than our appointments, we were only approved by the doctor to leave the house two other times. The first was to go to a friend’s wedding. The second was to visit Brooklyn for her first birthday. Each time we always saw the doctor first, had an ultrasound and were approved to go when everything looked fine. No walking around, no dancing… I would go, sit down and not move until we left. And we did just that. We always did everything the doctor told us to do.
November 29, 2017 was Brooklyn’s first birthday. Marcus got balloons, cupcakes and set out a chair for me to sit in while we wrote on the balloons and released them. We would spend a few quiet moments with her and return home shortly after. It was a day filled with so many emotions and we were missing our girl deeply, but I was further along in my pregnancy with Miles and we were looking forward to continuing on our journey with our little man… We had no idea that just seven days later I would be laying in that hospital bed again… Full of fear, but still full of hope…
Love, The Johnsons 
You’re such a wonderful mama Catherine. I know the strife, the doubts and the plagues of what if’s that are inevitable. But I also want to reiterate, because our hearts aren’t logical when are babies aren’t in our arms, you were and are and will always be a great mama to Miles and Brooklyn—same to Marcus in his fatherhood. When we lose our babies all we see are our failures and pain, but I see you guys and your love for your sweet precious children. You guys have my love, well wishes and prayers. I sure hope our babies are sweet little friends ❤️
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