My past blogs have gone back in time and have told the story of our daughter, Brooklyn. I had planned to eventually catch up to my present day life and had hoped that time would be around March of this year when we were bringing our son home…
Surprise… I was pregnant…
Only our closest family and friends knew, but other than that we were keeping our pregnancy a secret. After everything we had been through, it was just what made us comfortable. And we had planned to post about our big, wonderful surprise when he was born in March… But so much has happened and I need to let it out… I plan to continue to go back and tell our story, but for now, with this post, I need to talk about today and where I am currently.
Our son, Miles Lee Johnson, was born prematurely at 24 weeks and 3 days via emergency c-section on December 7, 2017 at 9:54 AM. He weighed 1 pound, 8 ounces and was 12.5 inches long. He passed away after one week in the NICU and would have been one month old yesterday… Would have been… Those words, that past tense… Just stabs me right in my soul…
And where am I today? Absolutely broken. Shattered. Defeated. And when am I “okay”? If that’s even the right word… I suppose I am okay, and my world is okay, when I am with my husband. He is the only one in this world who knows my soul, my thoughts, my hopes, and my pain without me ever having to say a word… We share a love for each other and for our children, we have the same hope – the hope for a family – and we share the same pain… It is a pain that I thought I knew, but now I see I didn’t know at all… Because I thought I could never hurt any worse than I did after losing Brooklyn, a pain that I didn’t think could break me any more but has, a pain that continues to rip through my soul as I have tried to piece my life back together…
He was our rainbow baby. Our light and our hope. And although we continue to miss our daughter (which will never change), things were finally looking up for us. We were so excited and looking forward to starting our new life with our baby boy by our side…
So why? What in the world went wrong again? And why are we right back where we were? This is where I was last year… Crying and sobbing as my husband left for work. Knowing that this was something that we had to do, but not wanting to… Wanting to just stay in our little world where we cling to one another… Because when we’re together everything is okay. But then we are slapped with the reality that the daily routine of our lives has to start again… We have to go our separate ways as we start back at work. And there is something about being alone, being separated from the person who is going through this with you, being apart from the only person connecting you to your children, and being in an empty house… It devastates your soul…
We’ve woken up each day forced to live this nightmare. Again. And again. We want them back. We have endlessly wondered why. And we don’t want to do this again, but we have to… We don’t have any other choice but to…
And I know that Marcus and I will do this together. We’ll get through it. But it’s hard. It’s hard to live in a world that no longer physically contains our children. And what’s even harder is hiding behind that pain… So we have decided that we no longer will… We will say their names, we will share their story… And one day, we hope to have a brighter story to share… Because we will never give up on the family that we so desperately desire…
To my babies… I love you…
To my husband… I love you and “I got you”…
Love, The Johnsons 
Catherine and Marcus,
My heart breaks to hear your story. If there was something I could do to take some of your pain away, I would in a heartbeat. I love that you guys are so strong for each other. I hope y’all are finding some peace and comfort in that. Sending up some prayers for you both.
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Catherine and Marcus
I am truly sorry for your losses and the hurt that you have had to endure. Brooklyn and miles are very blessed to have parents like you. You are both brave and resilient, this is not an easy experience to share and I pray that by you being able to share your experience brings healing to your broken hearts. I also pray that your family continues to grow through the love that you and Marcus have for one another….it’s beautiful the way you have support for each other.. much love to you both!!! Thank you for sharing your story
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Amazing story. Heartbroken for you both. I too struggled to get pregnant with our first after several miscarriages, and then went through a very trying pregnancy that resulted in our daughter being very injured at birth, but I have my babies and my heart aches for you as a mother that you aren’t able to have yours. God has a plan, and one day you and Marcus will be wonderful parents. My prayers will continue to have you and your family in them. There are too many families out there struggling to conceive or to have a full pregnancy and my hope is that each one is able to have a child.
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