Choosing to live.

It has been nearly five months since Miles has passed away… Minutes, hours, and days filled with the unknown… But also still filled with hope and with faith…

I want to continue this journey of sharing and catch you up to our present day life…

After Miles passed away, my sister and brother flew in the next day… They were originally flying in to be there for us and meet their new nephew… But instead they were now in town for his funeral… Brooklyn’s service was very small, but we decided to allow more people to attend Miles’ service… We had realized that we could no longer do this by ourselves, the pain and grief were all too consuming, and when we allowed everyone to see the deepest and darkest part of our life, they wrapped us in their love and in their presence. We were lost, we were broken, and we didn’t have any more strength… But that is when our family and friends stepped in… They held us up, they reminded us that we were not in this alone and that we never would be…

A dear family friend of ours led Miles’ service and Marcus spoke beautifully. He was so strong and brave, reminding me that no matter the outcome, we were still proud parents… We were proud of his fight and we always would be… But when it came time to say goodbye, I couldn’t help but hug onto his tiny little casket and weep from the deepest part of my soul… I wept for my boy, for our daughter… I wept for the life that we could have had with them…

A few days after the funeral, Marcus and I went to spend Christmas with my sister, brother and their families… We needed to get away and be surrounded by our family… But it was hard… Hard to hug my nieces and wish so badly that I had my own babies in my arms… Hard to hear the sadness in my youngest niece’s voice when she said she could no longer play with Miles because he was now an angel in Heaven… It was hard to live in a world that no longer contained my children… Pieces of me were gone… It wasn’t right, it didn’t feel right, and my heart would long for them for the rest of my days…

When it came time to return home, I cried the entire way to the airport… I didn’t want to accept reality, the reality of our empty home, an empty nursery, the reality that not only was my daughter gone but also my son… I didn’t want to live this nightmare again, but we had no choice… And as tears endlessly streamed down my face, Marcus held my hand and said “I got you”… And he was right… We would lean and love on each other as we always have… More tightly, with more purpose, and we would get through each of the days together…

Shortly after we returned, we saw one of the best specialists in Memphis… A third doctor, but one who specialized in recurrent pregnancy loss… We wondered if there was a connection between both of my pregnancy complications and why I could not carry a pregnancy to term… We were searching for answers, for a reason… But after countless blood tests, a sonohysterogram (SHG), and an operative hysteroscopy, there was no conclusive answer… It seemed to be that my complications were not related…

Incompetent cervix 1%. Placental abruption 1%. One percent.

I kept falling into this one percent and it was extremely difficult to be left without answers. To be left wondering. But our doctors gave us hope and suggested the route of gestational surrogacy. A process that relies on In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) to impregnate the surrogate (gestational carrier) with an embryo that is formed from the intended mother’s egg and intended father’s sperm and has no biological link to the surrogate.

After much prayer and thought, we decided to go forward with this process. We are making a choice to live. Because that is what our babies would want. We cannot and will not allow this pain and grief to consume and destroy us. We are going to make it our mission to get our babies a sibling. And their sibling will always know of his or her sister and brother.

My body has been through so much over the past two and half years. Two pregnancies, serious pregnancy complications, traumatic deliveries and recoveries… But I am willing, we are willing, to do whatever it takes to get the family that we so deeply desire… I have pumped myself full of medications, been stuck countless times, and had endless ultrasounds, but all for a purpose… My family…

We have found a gestational carrier and I have gone through the IVF process. I am happy to share that the egg retrieval was yesterday – May 9, 2018 – and it was successful.

28 retrieved. 16 mature. 14 fertilized.

I thank you all for allowing me to share the stories of my babies, to allow you to get to know them and how precious they are… We love them deeply and it is the greatest and deepest love we have ever known… And this journey of sharing, of no longer hiding behind this pain, has helped us work through our grief… Something that I believe will have to be worked at every day for the rest of our lives…

Thank you for allowing us to share not only the story of our babies, but also our story as a family. We ask that you please keep us in your thoughts and prayers during our newest journey.

To our babies, Brooklyn and Miles… We love you with every ounce of our being, we miss you endlessly, and you will always continue to be a part of our lives…

To Brooklyn, our first baby, thank you for making me a Mama… To Miles, our little rainbow, thank you for showing us how to fight…